


A Change of Characters

by KumoriYami



Category: Hakuouki
Genre: Established Relationship, F/M, Not all change is bad, One Shot, Post-Canon, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-23
Updated: 2019-02-23
Packaged: 2019-11-04 10:51:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,578
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17897081
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KumoriYami/pseuds/KumoriYami
Summary: Some things change with the passage of time, and some do not. Once he had told her that he believed in the things that did not change... but there was something in the world that she felt must change.... one that she wanted to surprise him with one day though it would take a bit of courage for her to do so...





	A Change of Characters

**Author's Note:**

> standard disclaimer, i own nothing from Hakuoki aside from this story itself

He's changed. The man who looks back at him whenever he sees his own reflection is certainly him, but he knows, on the inside he is different. That man... he no longer panics when his swords are not at his side. That man did not think that emotion was a complete distraction. That man was able to accept how vulnerable he could feel from acknowledging his own feelings, even finding himself swayed by them at times. That man was able to take action on his own. That man no longer doubts his place in the world as a now sheathed katana still committed to bushido... as he knows, and is constantly assured of how the path he has chosen to follow his heart is correct.

There are days where Saito finds it strange to realize just how different he feels from when he was wielded as one of the Shinsengumi's swords, so singular in purpose for the Shinsengumi, for Hijikata-san, for Kondou-san, Souji and the others from Shiekan.... to one who has found his purpose in safeguarding their once caged bird, now free to spread her wings. Unlike then when he was tasked with observing her every action and reaction, looking for any signs of possible betrayal or hints of a desire to escape to justify silencing her song forever, now he spends his days enjoying the life she now shares with him unfold, as he found his heart captured by her.

There are times when he thinks that their decision in restricting her life for years in Kyoto went too far given how much time was taken from her, but in some ways, Saito is grateful for the Shinsengumi's caution, despite how she had proven her loyalty to them time and time again, with him even acknowledging how she would never betrayed them or their secrets, since it provided him years of insight into her actions and behaviours that he wouldn't have otherwise had. It was because of this time however he could tell whenever Yukimura Chizuru was hiding something from him. Although Chizuru's tells had remained largely unchanged from their time with the Shinsengumi, she had unfortunately improved in her ability to remain quiet about what bothered her during their time in the former Edo. It was vexing at times.... especially since Saito felt that she might have learned such a skill from him when he tried hiding his condition associated with being a rasetsu before.... and it would now hinder his ability to support his wife.

His _wife_. His Chizuru. No matter how many times Saito tells himself of what he knows and has accepted as his own reality, each time, he can feel how his own cheeks are being set aflame by the word.... How strange it was knowing how a single truth made him feel invincible, yet undone all at the same time.... though it's also because of these emotions that he could never help but be uncertain with what course of action to take when he knew that something was on Chizuru's mind... like now.

He could see it her eyes whenever she was watching him, thinking he hadn't noticed her gaze. He could see it in the way her right index finger would twist around her left index finger then her left thumb would squeeze the right before the rest of her fingers intertwined with each other when they gazed at the stars together. He could see it when she was lost in her thoughts, looking at that the empty jug of sake that they had received from their neighbours that was kept by where their swords usually rested. He could see it every time in the way her voice trailed off when she accidentally called him 'Saito-san' and he felt his control over his expression slip in response, which would then cause Chizuru to then bury her face in her hands, shaking her head for a moment before correctly saying 'Hajime-san' with bright red cheeks as she recalled her promise.

It's an odd feeling to have.... acknowledging how he knows more than a dozen ways to intimidate, interrogate and torture others to extract information, skills that were honed over years, with almost the same dedication he poured into perfecting his iai and kenjutsu for the sake of the Shinsengumi...while at the same time realizing how he still finds it a monumental challenge to properly convey his own thoughts with simple questioning... Even now, Saito knows that he needed to resort to roundabout methods to communicate what he desperately wants to say to Chizuru when it concerned the matters of his heart in his own clumsy words, as he lacked the courage to ask her directly... so unlike the clear and concise language he is so accustomed to using, and each time he hopes and prays with all his heart that she is able to decipher what he asks...

Each rare time he had noticed her hiding something from him, Saito could not help but wonder if Chizuru's reasoning for doing so was similar to how he wanted to keep her from seeing him at his lowest as it always made him feel extremely unpleasant. He would be lying to say that every instinct he had immediately wanted for him to demand to know whatever was bothering her so that she could share her troubles with him, but he knows.... that he absolutely cannot. After all... what hadn't Chizuru given him? Her blood. Her life... and her dreams of the future, which had she had explicitly promised to him. Even before she became his, Chizuru gave so much of herself to him freely despite how all that he asked for, all that he needed from her was her love of him... and it was simply impossible for him to deny that what she shared with him went far beyond what he could ever have asked....

Although it was true that it was Saito's wish to see Chizuru unburdened, especially since he knows that she's endured more than anyone should ever have had to, with her being threatened by her own heritage, bearing witness to far more bloodshed and carnage than anyone her age should have seen, and with him adding to her troubles when he brought her with him when he accepted clemency from the Aizu and moved to Tonami, so far away from what she knows as familiar... he said nothing about these concerns of his each time, and instead waited for when Chizuru was ready to speak. For him.... it was enough knowing what a privilege it was to hear her thoughts since it showed just how much of herself that she entrusted to him and Saito was more than satisfied with just basking in the light she gave him.

Occasionally he does regret how he has increased the hardships in her life by bringing her with him, but he would be the first admit that he loved knowing that it was that it was _because_  of him that she had done so. Even now, Chizuru had a tendency to consider herself after him, which was to his chagrin and delight as it always let him know just how much he meant to her, and reinforced his desire to be stronger for her. For better or worse, her feelings for him also allowed Saito to finally understand how Chizuru was able to insist on worrying about his well-being despite his own protests, sometimes at her own expense, as he found himself doing the same now for her...  
  
At the very least, whatever Chizuru was keeping to herself this time was not motivated by her fears or doubts since her smile was still natural and her eyes remained unclouded, unlike when they had been with the Aizu with the constant threat of death around them and when she worried that Sanan-san would try something drastic to obtain her blood... or when she had been troubled by the money Kondou-san had given her in an effort to get her to leave the Shinsengumi.... so he waits. He waits, thinking of how strange it is when he finds himself without even the tiniest hints of doubt or fear in his mind as he knows she would speak when ready, as he once bared his deepest thoughts to her. In an odd way, Saito has found that he enjoyed Chizuru hiding whatever secret she had from him since it causes minuscule changes in her everyday actions. Each change it brought always surprised him since they made him realize just how many observations he has made of Chizuru whenever he identified a difference her little secret caused as the days become weeks.... and somehow, before he even realizes it, Chizuru no longer makes mistakes and only calls him 'Hajime-san', when the weeks become months and a new year is just around the corner.

Perhaps his own reaction to everything is due to how hearing his name being spoken from her lips everyday never failed to bring a smile to his face as he is always filled with a blissful euphoria that he had no words to describe whenever she calls out to him, or perhaps his calm is owed from the joy he finds from her simply welcoming him home when he returned to her embrace, knowing that it was because of his love for her that he was feeling this way. Regardless of the reason, Saito did feel that the time he spends waiting passes by in an almost serene manner. Is this what Amagiri meant by saying he was more at peace?

It was true that every day he spent in Chizuru's company could only be described as fulfilling, and each and every action she took spoke of her unyielding dedication and love for him which always caused his heart to swell every time, often in ways he did not think possible. Every expression of her love made him her willing captive, and he is always surprised to acknowledge how he could feel such a myriad emotions.... and to think, years ago, he would never had acknowledged his own feelings and thoughts for her, let alone even consider acting on them...

Sometimes, however, he will admit that that his own thoughts of Chizuru are distracting, but only when he is sure that is by himself or when within her presence does he allow himself to feel so unguarded. Thinking of Chizuru makes him lose track of time, makes him disregard his own environment, and in rare instances, it makes him lose his focus on her. On more than one occasion has Saito wholly stopped paying attention to something that Chizuru was saying altogether because he was thinking how beautiful she looked when bathed in the sun's light, or how radiant the smile she only showed him was... Whenever he slipped, Saito would sincerely apologize for such errors on his part before earnestly explaining the reasoning for his faults, as if he feared the truth would be lost forever if he did not and it would lose all meaning if he spoke later, similarly to when Chizuru had dressed as a geisha so long ago, and he found himself powerless to acknowledge her beauty then. Although it was true that he felt guilt over his actions each time they occurred, Saito secretly took pride in how his wife would often bury her reddened face into his chest after whispering 'thank you very much, Hajime-san' at his words before she forgave him as his arms almost naturally wrapped around her...

* * *

It's on a cool day at the end of the year when Saito finds his thoughts drifting to his wife once again as he watches snow fall from the skies on his way home. Normally he'd consider inviting Chizuru to watch the snow with him, but it's unfortunately too windy for his liking to risk her well-being, and Saito has long since acknowledged how detrimental it was to his own health to see her get sick. It likely did not help that he always felt that whenever Chizuru became ill that it was somehow a result of lack of care and attention on his part, though she would obstinately argue otherwise, saying that everyone gets sick sometimes. Maybe when the weather improved she would make him a snow bunny again... though he knows that he'll be worrying again if her hands become too cold if she does so...

"Saito." Hearing her soft voice suddenly call him by his surname immediately snaps him out of his reverie when he reaches for their home's front door. She hadn't used it to address him in months, with the only exceptions being when she used it when pouting or to emphasize a point about him needing to take care of himself better.

"S-aii-to." The way she was speaking sounded... almost reminiscent of when she stood her ground against him when they left the Shinsengumi, refusing to part from him as he tried sending her away from him to Hijikata-san... away from the flames of war in Aizu... Her voice determined... yet hesitant - even fearful of his rejection.... Just what was his wife doing?

"Saitou." Hesitation grips him and Saito was torn between announcing his presence and just waiting for Chizuru to sort out her own thoughts. Disturbing his wife always made him feel guilty, though Saito would admit how he enjoyed seeing the small smile and distant yet tranquil-looking eyes Chizuru would adopt when she in such a state . A rare expression of hers that he associated with her being deep in thought... and only when she was thinking of him. Whenever she did notice that he was watching her, she often panicked and her cheeks would flush as she stumbled with her words, saying how awfully rude it was for her not to notice her husband.

Unfortunately, if he doesn't accept the risk associated with accidently interrupting her... the alternative to it, and its implications are far more unpleasant since he knows Chizuru would not approve of him staying outside with such weather, knowing full well that what they defined as cold and cool differed greatly, and it would cause her to worries to increase needlessly. Taking that path... was simply not acceptable as it would mean Saito knowingly going out of his way to possibly impeding Chizuru's ability to smile....

"Uh... I can't do it....! ...But I don't want to disappoint Hajime-san..." His eyes harden at her words that he finds himself straining his ears to hear, and Saito notices that his own body has involuntarily tensed up. _Nothing_ Chizuru did could ever disappoint him. There mere possibility of his wife considering such a thing is enough for Saito to use more force when he slides the front door open, and he steels himself for the worst so his own heart will not be hurt badly by whatever she thinks might make him think less of her.

"...I'm home." He speaks louder than he normally does, hoping to catch Chizuru's attention when he walks in, though his well-honed habits immediately kick in given his agitation.

The smell of ink lingered in the air, meaning that she had likely wrote something a while ago.

There was a bottle of sake at the table she was sitting where they ate their meals together, alongside a tea cup.

Had she been drinking? He knows her tolerance for sake is incredibly low and if she drank more than half a cup's worth, Chizuru almost always passed out...meaning there was the possibility that she had mixed her drink with water though her cheeks were already rosy and her eyes looked sleepy.

Ignoring how surprised he felt from seeing how Chizuru doesn't seem to notice him - something that never happened unless she was sick, when he walks over to where she is sitting, he focuses on her face after noting how her cup was empty. He could clearly tell that she was lost in her own thoughts, and Saito fights the urge to peer over at whatever she had been writing as she held a brush in her hand with an almost absent minded expression, as he carefully moves his hand to forehead to check her temperature. Even now, he couldn't help but worry that her current behaviour was because of how she wasn't feeling well... though he instinctively knew that wasn't it.

"Awawawaaaa! Hajime-san!!!" Chizuru leaps to her feet with alarmed eyes after about a minute of contact, and the redness on her cheeks suddenly becomes more prominent when she notices his presence, her brush somehow managing to fly into the air as she slips the paper she hastily folds into her kimono.

It's hard not to laugh at whatever she is doing and her reactions, and Saito immediately thinks of how he will forever deny how he may or may not have compared Chizuru to a startled rabbit whenever she was truly surprised in a bout of sickness. Although seeing Chizuru so flustered is a rare sight, Saito cannot indulge himself with for long, as he quickly moves to catch her, putting one of his arms around her since he worries that she'll fall down since embarrassment did not appear to be her only impairment.

"Hello, Chizuru. I'm home." Being this close to her now, his words quieter than normal since he catches the faint scent of alcohol on her breath, and he doesn't want to risk agitating Chizuru by accident, especially if she was intoxicated.

".....uh. I- I... I...Welcome home Hajime-san!" Chizuru's body shifts slightly, and Saito can feel himself relaxing feeling her lean in towards him, welcoming the sensation of her arms going around him.

"Thank you... " He hopes that that is doesn't sound as worried as he is when Chizuru finally releases him, though one of her hands still remains ensnared by his since he doesn't want to lose the feeling of her relying on him or her warmth. "Do you need to lie down?"

"No...at least not now.... but soon." She pauses as her gaze meets his briefly, and he can see nervousness in her bottom lip when she speaks. Her words were slightly slurred... "...Can you help me over to by the fire please, Hajime-san?"

"....Of course, Chizuru." For a moment, Saito tries to discern the motivation for such a request since she didn't feel particularly cold, if anything she felt warmer than usual, but he's not one to question a favour asked of him by Chizuru. She hardly went out of way to make requests of him, though that might have been due to how Saito did his best to anticipate whatever Chizuru might need before she even asked.... something that she occasionally complained to him about since it left her with less things to help him with.

Carefully, he leads her over after returning the fallen brush to the table, his hands never leave her as he matches her unsteady steps as they walked over to the fire-pit. She seemed unusually apprehensive...

After helping her sit down, Chizuru looks slightly worried as he released her hands. ".....Isn't Hajime-san going to ask what I was writing...?"

"No." He shakes his head, as he sits across from her, frowning slightly at her words. "I know you'll tell me when you're ready. Only I ask that you do not drink without me around. I... worry that you're going to accidentally injure yourself. "

"....Ah....Sorry Hajime-san." She knew he would get incredibly anxious whenever she did anything he perceived as reckless that could result in her potentially injuring herself. For all his training and skills, there was nothing Saito could do to prevent Chizuru from accidentally hurting herself, save for limiting her actions - which he would never do unless her survival depended on it. Even though he knew her body would heal quickly, Saito felt more at ease knowing if he he was around to ensure her safety as best as he could. "You know Hajime-san... you're unexpectedly mean sometimes."

"....What do you mean by that?" Saito's own expression must have looked quite foolish since Chizuru looks as if she's trying hard not to laugh, biting down on her lip, as she maintained a wider than usual smile. Regardless of what was said, if the subject of her words was him... he knows she held it as her truth.

"I'm sorry! I know it's just the way you are... you're so considerate and kind, and I love everything about you, but you make it so hard for me to surprise you sometimes." A small giggle escapes from her lips as she looked at him with warm eyes.  
  
She wanted to surprise him...?

Chizuru nods at his unspoken question and tilts her head slightly as if she was asking him to look away for a moment, and Saito does so almost immediately. As he considered her words, Saito smiled weakly since he would admit that he felt that what Chizuru said could be interpreted him being overly considerate, but he himself felt that he was only doing what was natural to him when it came to caring for his wife... Is that why she had been hiding something for so long?

Almost as soon as his head turns, he can hear the sound of folding paper then the sound of her hitting her cheeks, and soon, he hears Chizuru taking in a deep breath. "Okay, I'm ready!"

When he looks back, Chizuru wore a determined expression that made him think of HIjikata-san when he had made a resolute decision... though hers seemed a bit forced when compared to their former chief as she held out a folded letter towards him with two unsteady hands. "Some things change with the passage of time, and some do not. You once told me that you believe in things that do not change... but there are some things in the world that must change."

He nods, feeling quite stupefied at hearing his own words from her as accepts her letter with both hands, silently urging for her to continue since he could see that she was not finished speaking. "You have once said that I have remained unchanged... but there is something about myself that I feel must be changed... something that I wanted to change for you."

He is silent at that. She felt the need to change? And for him? His brow furrowed slightly as his gaze met hers, her face breaking into an extremely sincere but nervous smile. Her expression unfortunately gave him no insight as to whatever Chizuru was thinking aside from her anxiousness, but it offered a silent promise that everything would be fine as she remained looking at him expectantly.

Turning his attention to her letter, Saito traced the characters of his name almost as if to ready himself for whatever had been prepared for him as he tried calming himself, noting how his name was written in the same firm but gentle hand that Saito often associated with Chizuru's character. She was no warrior yet was able to stand strong when she needed to against anyone that stood against her, including him to convey her thoughts... so graceful and brave like a samurai.... 

Unfolding the letter carefully, Saito could feel his own eyes widen as his eyes fell on what Chizuru had given him. Aside from his full name which she has written again, there are only six characters written... four he knows as hers... but she's crossed out half of them and has added two others....

  
....

 

Saito isn't quite sure how long he's spends clutching the page when he finally notices Chizuru ducking her head below his so that she can see his expression. "...I'm sorry. Truly sorry that it's taken this long... I wanted to do this shortly after we drank together... I never managed to muster the courage until now though I probably need to drink more to even say it out loud to you... but I figured it would be appropriate for start of the coming year."

 

.....

 

"Hajime-san... isn't this how a husband and wife should be right? For a long time, I kept thinking how this is one of the obvious things that was meant to change..."

 

.....

 

"....You're all red Hajime-san... probably even redder than when you drink too much..." Her tone is slightly teasing but there is genuine joy in her eyes at whatever emotions his face was displaying for her.

 

......

 

He needs to respond, to say _something_. Anything to acknowledge how precious Chizuru is to him, and how much this gift meant to him even if he hadn't realized it until now.

Perhaps it is due to his inability to form words on Saito's part does Chizuru show him a mischievous grin. "...Don't tell me you believe that this is something that must not change... though I'm fine with that Hajime-san if that's what you want... I mean, it won't change how I'm already yours."

"NO!"

Chizuru's bell-like laughter echoes in his ears when he finally manages to respond, and to Saito's own surprise, he is actually yelling out loud. Aside from when he had been fighting or giving orders, he couldn't even remember the last time he raised his voice... let alone at her.

"....I mean, no. Please don't do that." Saito finds himself looking away as he whispered timidly, unsure of how to process his emotions. What he was feeling was certainly similar to how she first called him 'Hajime-san', but this...

Closing his eyes as he wasn't sure if if he had enough courage to face Chizuru as he felt his chest tightened, Saito could not help but wonder if there was a limit to Chizuru's kindness and ability to give herself to him. Yukimura Chizuru was the woman who allowed him to find peace and acceptance on the path he had chosen as a warrior, the one who always caught him as he fell, never failing to lift him back up, and the one who had chosen to  follow him without question even in the face of death as she was committed to share his fate. Chizuru was the one who prevented him from losing himself, the one who had accepted him as her husband for all his faults, and she was more than happy to be stand beside him as his wife, supporting everything he did with the benevolence of a true samurai...

...And Saito Chizuru was his family.

It's strange, realizing just how much of an impact of what was effectively the changing of two written characters has on him. Rationally, he knows his relationship with Chizuru will not change since they were already husband and wife, and there was nothing that could change how they promised themselves to one another or how they cared for and deeply loved one another.... but actually seeing how Chizuru had taken his name as her own....

 _His_  name. The name he had chosen for himself after abandoning everything from his old identity - including those that Souji would call "strangers related by blood" that he never had a say in choosing and had no choice in having, when he had lost himself, both as a samurai and as a sword for simply wielding his blade to respond to a challenge against him as his pride and honour demanded... Now his name has found her, and now it is hers.... chosen by her.

It's likely because she senses the changes in his emotions, does he feel Chizuru move towards him, one of her hands using his thighs as support as she carefully brushed her fingers against his eyelids as if to wipe away his tears that he didn't notice were falling. Her touch a gentle reminder of her uncanny ability to expose the vulnerabilities in his heart that he did not know of, and of how she always accept him... and would never judge him or the decisions he made.

When he is finally able to look into the eyes of the one who held his heart, eyes that Saito always felt seemed to look directly into the depths of his soul, he could see how Chizuru understood that he had no words of gratitude for her gift as he pulled her towards him with shaking arms into a kiss. Even as their lips touched, Saito felt his hands moving to his wife's face, as if the action would somehow grant him access to more of what she offered to him, and he holds Chizuru like he never wants to let her go, knowing full well that he wanted every fibre of her being to stay with him forever.

"Hajime-san...." Their shared moment, as with all the others that they had, unfortunately never seem to last long enough when their lips separate. Both of them are breathless, and Chizuru's cheeks are bright red as she grasps at him, having lost the strength to support herself. "That was... nice....."

He makes a noise that he hopes sounds like as affirmation of the shared sentiment as he holds Chizuru against his chest, not quite wanting her to see his embarrassment since he was sure the entirety of his face and ears were all red. He had been the one to pull away first since he could not allow himself to ignore how tired Chizuru was. "...You.... you need to rest."

His wife giggles softly at his extremely pathetic attempt to change the subject, but says nothing as he wordlessly lifts her into his arms and brings her to their room so that he can have her lie down. If she said anything to refute him now... Saito did not doubt how anything he could say in response would come across feeble excuses though it was true that he didn't want Chizuru to strain herself any more than necessary, and that she needed to rest...

After he helped her slip under their futon's covers, Chizuru held out her hand towards him, and and he took it without hesitation as he sat down next to her. Her touch was soft and warm... "Thank you... Saito Hajime-san."

Chizuru's words strike at where he thinks his heart is the most tender, and even without her directly voicing it, he could hear her asking him to take that step that she could not.... or at least not yet given her current level of bashfulness. He could see it in the gentle but almost sheepish smile that formed on her face as he watched her gaze up at him, and Saito knew that he could not refuse Chizuru... especially not when she gave him that look of hers.... though he knew that in it was the promise that she would be able to in the future... A future that would belong to both of them.

"And thank you....S... Saito.... Chizuru. For everything." Even if he said exactly what she wanted to hear, more often than not, Saito felt that words were only barely adequate when it came to expressing what he felt to the one who saved him. Still, that did not stop the warmth that spread into his chest upon seeing his wife smile at hearing her name, and his gratitude. "Get some sleep now please.... I'll have something prepared for when you wake up."

"...Okay." Her voice is soft as always, but he could tell that Chizuru sounded shyer than usual upon hearing her name alongside part of his. She smiles for him once again as she pulled at his hand so that she could have it rest on her cheek, and Saito could feel his own heart skipping a beat watching such an innocent display of affection. 

Chizuru drifts off almost as soon as her eyes fluttered shut, and while Saito worried that she might have been more inebriated than he thought, he kept his hand lingering on his wife's face. He would need to prepare something for Chizuru to eat and possibly medicine if she wasn't feeling well for when she woke up later, but for now, he would enjoy watching his wife sleep and her peaceful expression as he listened to every breath she took... another reminder of how the woman he had fallen in love with with was indeed with him... and that he wasn't dreaming about the life he was now living... especially knowing what he has received from Chizuru. She had unknowingly bestowed upon him a sense of tranquility that he never believed possible given his own perceived faults and weaknesses, and her very presence was a remedy to the burdens of his heart for which he never though that could be healed.

Thinking of the change that his wife had brought for him, and because of him, Saito felt himself blush as he looked at Chizuru sleeping now, finding himself unable to resist the urge to lean over and quietly kiss her forehead as he wished her good dreams, ever thankful for how she was still with him, and for the unconditional love, faith and support that she poured into him despite his own doubts. She gave him everything he needed and so much more... Regardless of this change, or however much they changed in the future, Saito knew that wherever life took him, Chizuru would forever remain as his unchanging constant. Her place was with him as they continued on their path together... just as his was with her.

He belonged at her side and nothing would ever change that.

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> This was mainly inspired from the Hakumyu Extras Kakizome... wanted to write something with a bit of feels to it.... 
> 
> sorry if the summary isn't great. i'm not particularly good at writing them... or coming up with title names. 
> 
> may rewrite the ending.


End file.
